My Kids’ Youth Sports Experience Taught Me an Important Lesson in Kindness

Note: This article originally appeared in The Washington Post.

As an author of kids’ books, a soccer coach, a mom and an advocate, I spend a lot of time thinking and writing about how the benefits of kids playing sports reach beyond the fields. In addition to being fun, I believe sports are a powerful tool for education, change and equality.

But like many parents of athletes, I also witness and fall victim to the anxiety, stress and pressure that comes with kids’ sports. Is my daughter playing on the right team? Should my son specialize in playing goalie as a 10-year-old? Will they give up sports because I make a poor decision? It’s fraught with expectations and it’s overly structured. And to me, it often misses the mark on why we want our kids to play sports in the first place: to have fun, make friends and be better people. Let’s face it, the majority of kids will never play in college, or become a professional athlete.

The author’s daughter Lily digging out her neighbor’s car.

I recently started thinking about how to emphasize the core values of sports that we treasure — responsibility, respect, dedication and compassion — in our everyday lives. I ran the idea by my children Lily, 13, and William, 10. I asked them to talk to me about these values and how they might translate what they have learned on the field into something useful in their lives outside of sports.

Naturally, they were the ones to teach me a thing or two.

My son was quick to jump in: “Mom, it bothers me that after practice there are water bottles all over the place.” I asked him what he could do about it. “I’ll pick ’em up!” Great, I thought. There’s responsibility.

Then Lily chimed in: “Mom, there is a World War II veteran in town, and I wanted to go thank him for his service. Next time I will.” There’s respect.

My son told me about a classmate who has stayed inside for recess every day for months with a teammate who is on crutches. There’s compassion.

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Just having the conversation was powerful. It led to their recognition of how easy it is to change someone’s day or impact their school or community by making these small acts of kindness a part of everyday life. This is something that kids can and should do.

They saw others act and decided to act themselves. William started picking up bottles with his teammates, and Lily is looking for that vet. By seeing and recognizing kindness around them, they transferred the conversation about sports and character from the abstract to the concrete.

Often we consider the lessons of sports as something that will benefit our kids in the longer term. For example, the CEO talking about how playing college sports taught her the perseverance to become a leader in the workplace. But what I learned, and continue to learn from my kids, is that playing sports is teaching strong values that can benefit them right now, right there on the fields, courts, gyms and arenas where they play every day.

Many families invest a lot of time, effort and resources into their kids’ sports activities. I do, as well. But now my family’s “kindness check-in” at dinner has become a part of an ongoing conversation, and my kids are actively pointing out to me the things they are doing, can do or see others doing. When I give a talk about Title IX, or advocating for girls to be allowed the opportunity to play no matter where they live in the world, I am sometimes pained by the reality of what much of our youth sports culture has become: excessively competitive, overwrought and sometimes even damaging.

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Refocusing the conversation on the values of sportsmanship has allowed me to witness its power for good. It seems to be working. An elderly couple lives across the street and after a blizzard this winter, Lily came to me and said, “Mom, let’s go dig out the neighbors.”

I smiled. “Let’s do it.”

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Note: This story originally appeared on Dinner: A Love Story.

My kids know how to get me. “Mom, watch this!”

Without fail it’s a surprise military reunion. The mom or the dad comes home to some sporting event or classroom. My own kids stare at me, and like clockwork, I am reduced to a puddle of parental goo. They think it’s some kind of hysterical social experiment that by the way, works on me. Every. Single. Time.

What they don’t know is that there is another kind of post that hits me even harder: those darn memes and posts that say, “One day you won’t have anyone to drive to practice.”

That is a low blow, social media. Low blow.

As much as I groan about carpool, or having to sit in a cold gym all winter, I know I am not alone in treasuring the silly, but often serious conversations with my kids that come after games and practices on the drive home.

I try not to delve too deeply – particularly after a game – and I know I’m only supposed to say some version of I love to watch you play. But, I guess I’m just not very good at that. We talk about it all. How was the game? What did you guys work on today? Did I see how the referee was totally helping the other team?? Mom, did you see me take that kid out? (Yes, I did and don’t do that).

Pretty quickly, issues come up. For example, this week for my daughter it was, Why do I have to play in this position? Lily is 13 now, and for the first time ever, I am not her coach. So I told her this is something she needs to handle on her own. Talk to her new coach. Use her voice. I also advised her to give it a try and to keep an open mind.

I view these conversations as parental gold. While on the surface, they are about a team or her position, we are really talking about learning patience, confidence and perseverance. They are not insignificant moments no matter where they happen. I get it. I won’t be driving her to soccer practice much longer = she’s growing up and the days of me having the chance to shape who she becomes are coming to an end.

Ouch.

When we sign up our kids for soccer or whatever sport they try as littles, I think most of us do it because we want them to have fun, make friends, and hopefully become good people.

But very shortly afterwards, it can often become a very different game – hypercompetitive, professionalized and, over-structured.

As an advocate and author, my mind spends a lot of time in this space. There have been many moments where I am simultaneously preaching the benefits of sports and fighting for girls to even get the chance to play, while at the same time feeling personally frustrated and bombarded by the politics, anxiety, and nonsense that seems to infect much of our organized youth sports.

My son William, 10, and his friend decided to pick up all the bottles left strewn about the gym after practice. #playingitforwardproject #soccersisters

I am also fully aware that I now have a daughter at the exact age where many girls drop organized sports altogether because it all gets too crazy.

In spite of this, I still believe the core values of sportsmanship prevail, and this is where the focus should remain. Not only are sports the vehicle for facing challenges and life lessons, they are also providing a platform for us to talk about the values they promote, no matter where you have the conversation – in the car on the way to and from practice, at the dinner table, on a walk.

Recently, we’ve begun to discuss and act on these values and inject them into our daily lives through acts of kindness, whether or not it has anything to do with their teams. For me, it’s almost better when it doesn’t because then I know they are getting it in a broader sense. My son William is 10. After one of our conversations, he decided it bothered him to see water bottles strewn all over the place after practice. So he’s picking them up. Lily was able to dig deeper at 13: After a storm, she was recently inspired to dig out the elderly neighbor who lives across the street. We also discussed Lily’s teammate, who thought to add a new girl to the team’s group chat on the girl’s first day of practice.

What’s clear to me is that these kids are not benefitting and learning from sports for some hypothetical future. They are doing it now and this is where I choose to focus. It’s become a thing. What can we do today to be kind? To Play it Forward?

I mean, isn’t that what all this driving around is really all about?

Why the #playitforwardproject Is Parenting Gold

It’s no secret that I think sports are powerful. As a player, a coach, and parent I witness every day how being an athlete defines who you are and quite simply, creates the lens through which you view the world.

I love to watch my own kids play sports – and they play a lot of them! The issues they face on and off the field generate countless conversations about formative character issues, whether it be about being ready for practice, playing time, performance, or respecting their coaches. This is gold for any parent – and we can take it another big leap forward.

When I write books, articles, or give talks about the benefits of sports, I always find myself coming back to the values and reasons why sports are a vital part of our society. The defining character traits such as teamwork, respect, compassion, perseverance and more are not just abstract lessons that kids will use in their future adult lives.

These are good values that can and are shaping the way young athletes view the world right now. We should see and share their view.

No act of kindness is too small: The author’s daughter digging out her neighbor’s car.

This is why I created the Play It Forward Project social media campaign. I believe that athletes have a unique opportunity to share their strengths and in doing so, challenge themselves and others to bring character-building lessons from the sports field into their communities. This is especially important for young girls, who can be empowered by sports during adolescence, when they often find their self-confidence wavering.

I also think the time is right. Small acts can have big impacts – and there is no better time to allow kids to feel powerful, not powerless.

Plus, isn’t it time that social media was used for social good?

There are so many small ways that we can transform these core values of sportsmanship into acts of kindness, and I can’t wait to see what you come up with!

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