What do I do?
My kid can’t handle losing – how can I teach him/her to deal with disappointment on the field?
Coach Andy Says:
I am going through the same thing! My son’s team is having a rough season. After a really successful year, they moved up to a tougher division and now they’re losing regularly. There are tears and yes, anger, after games. Sure, the coach will give them some words of encouragement to try to buck them up, but generally, I’m just left with an upset child.
I know the common response parents are supposed to give is along the lines of “I just love to see you play,” but frankly, I think parents can do better than that. Remember, kids are smart and intuitive and they’ll know when you’re being honest with them or not. Here are a few pointers on how to handle it.
- Don’t sugarcoat a loss. Losing is no fun and not acknowledging that fact is a sure-fire way to make your kid angry. They are most likely tired and frustrated after a loss, so be empathetic. You can stay quiet and just give them a hug. Or, if you want to say something, make it believable, like, “Wow, that was a rough game.”
- Allow venting but not finger pointing. It’s important to follow your child’s lead. If they want to vent, let them. But oftentimes, a child’s effort to explain a difficult loss can too quickly turn into a blame-game of teammates, coaches and referees. This is not useful. If your son or daughter starts to blame others, it’s appropriate to remind them that a team wins and loses together, and that while no one person can win a game, no one person can lose it, either. If you have coaching criticisms, keep them to yourself or discuss them privately. Most likely, your child will return to that team and coach, and you will be undermining that all-important child-coach relationship.
- Don’t try to fix everything. While painful at times, losing is an opportunity to learn. If your child is pensive after the game, you could always ask him to break down what he thought he did well, and what he thought he could do better next time. Disappointment is a part of playing any sport, and oftentimes, in the long run, the sting of a tough loss leads to much greater improvement than an easy win.
- Give it time. As a coach, I like to enforce the “24-hour rule,” which means win or lose, I try not to talk about the game too much with the parents or my son or daughter for a day or so. Letting time go by and moving on with your non-sporting life is a foolproof way to put things in perspective. You’ll also be amazed to see that maybe your child – who seemed so inconsolable after the game – has moved onto other things and is eager to play again.
