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What These Car Rides Are Really All About

Note: This story originally appeared on Dinner: A Love Story.

My kids know how to get me. “Mom, watch this!”

Without fail it’s a surprise military reunion. The mom or the dad comes home to some sporting event or classroom. My own kids stare at me, and like clockwork, I am reduced to a puddle of parental goo. They think it’s some kind of hysterical social experiment that by the way, works on me. Every. Single. Time.

What they don’t know is that there is another kind of post that hits me even harder: those darn memes and posts that say, “One day you won’t have anyone to drive to practice.”

That is a low blow, social media. Low blow.

As much as I groan about carpool, or having to sit in a cold gym all winter, I know I am not alone in treasuring the silly, but often serious conversations with my kids that come after games and practices on the drive home.

I try not to delve too deeply – particularly after a game – and I know I’m only supposed to say some version of I love to watch you play. But, I guess I’m just not very good at that. We talk about it all. How was the game? What did you guys work on today? Did I see how the referee was totally helping the other team?? Mom, did you see me take that kid out? (Yes, I did and don’t do that).

Pretty quickly, issues come up. For example, this week for my daughter it was, Why do I have to play in this position? Lily is 13 now, and for the first time ever, I am not her coach. So I told her this is something she needs to handle on her own. Talk to her new coach. Use her voice. I also advised her to give it a try and to keep an open mind.

I view these conversations as parental gold. While on the surface, they are about a team or her position, we are really talking about learning patience, confidence and perseverance. They are not insignificant moments no matter where they happen. I get it. I won’t be driving her to soccer practice much longer = she’s growing up and the days of me having the chance to shape who she becomes are coming to an end.

Ouch.

When we sign up our kids for soccer or whatever sport they try as littles, I think most of us do it because we want them to have fun, make friends, and hopefully become good people.

But very shortly afterwards, it can often become a very different game – hypercompetitive, professionalized and, over-structured.

As an advocate and author, my mind spends a lot of time in this space. There have been many moments where I am simultaneously preaching the benefits of sports and fighting for girls to even get the chance to play, while at the same time feeling personally frustrated and bombarded by the politics, anxiety, and nonsense that seems to infect much of our organized youth sports.

My son William, 10, and his friend decided to pick up all the bottles left strewn about the gym after practice. #playingitforwardproject #soccersisters

I am also fully aware that I now have a daughter at the exact age where many girls drop organized sports altogether because it all gets too crazy.

In spite of this, I still believe the core values of sportsmanship prevail, and this is where the focus should remain. Not only are sports the vehicle for facing challenges and life lessons, they are also providing a platform for us to talk about the values they promote, no matter where you have the conversation – in the car on the way to and from practice, at the dinner table, on a walk.

Recently, we’ve begun to discuss and act on these values and inject them into our daily lives through acts of kindness, whether or not it has anything to do with their teams. For me, it’s almost better when it doesn’t because then I know they are getting it in a broader sense. My son William is 10. After one of our conversations, he decided it bothered him to see water bottles strewn all over the place after practice. So he’s picking them up. Lily was able to dig deeper at 13: After a storm, she was recently inspired to dig out the elderly neighbor who lives across the street. We also discussed Lily’s teammate, who thought to add a new girl to the team’s group chat on the girl’s first day of practice.

What’s clear to me is that these kids are not benefitting and learning from sports for some hypothetical future. They are doing it now and this is where I choose to focus. It’s become a thing. What can we do today to be kind? To Play it Forward?

I mean, isn’t that what all this driving around is really all about?

Filed Under: Blog, Uncategorized

Why the #playitforwardproject Is Parenting Gold

It’s no secret that I think sports are powerful. As a player, a coach, and parent I witness every day how being an athlete defines who you are and quite simply, creates the lens through which you view the world.

I love to watch my own kids play sports – and they play a lot of them! The issues they face on and off the field generate countless conversations about formative character issues, whether it be about being ready for practice, playing time, performance, or respecting their coaches. This is gold for any parent – and we can take it another big leap forward.

When I write books, articles, or give talks about the benefits of sports, I always find myself coming back to the values and reasons why sports are a vital part of our society. The defining character traits such as teamwork, respect, compassion, perseverance and more are not just abstract lessons that kids will use in their future adult lives.

These are good values that can and are shaping the way young athletes view the world right now. We should see and share their view.

No act of kindness is too small: The author’s daughter digging out her neighbor’s car.

This is why I created the Play It Forward Project social media campaign. I believe that athletes have a unique opportunity to share their strengths and in doing so, challenge themselves and others to bring character-building lessons from the sports field into their communities. This is especially important for young girls, who can be empowered by sports during adolescence, when they often find their self-confidence wavering.

I also think the time is right. Small acts can have big impacts – and there is no better time to allow kids to feel powerful, not powerless.

Plus, isn’t it time that social media was used for social good?

There are so many small ways that we can transform these core values of sportsmanship into acts of kindness, and I can’t wait to see what you come up with!

Filed Under: Blog

Introducing the Play It Forward Project!

There’s no doubt about it: kids learn life lessons from the sports they play. Every day they kick, hit, run, jump, swim and swing their way into learning about good values on fields, courts, rinks and in pools and gyms across the country.

Which is why Soccer Sisters wants to challenge young athletes to take part in the Play It Forward Project (#playitforwardproject), to bring those character-building lessons from the sports field into their communities.

The PIFP social media campaign encourages kids to find creative ways of extending what they learn in competition into daily life by committing and sharing random acts of kindness and passing on the challenge to their friends and teammates.

Engage in your act of kindness, take a picture, and ‘play it forward’ by sharing it on social media and tagging friends to share their own act of kindness and keep it going. Do it on your own, with your teammates, or with anyone at all – everyone is welcome and no good deed is too small!

Just be sure to use the #playitforwardproject #soccersisters hashtags.

Already volunteering, doing community service or otherwise being kind? Great! Join in on the fun by sharing it and asking your friends, teammates, parents, teachers and coaches to rise to the challenge.

Our goal is to reach 10,000 acts of kindness, so ‘play it forward’ with us and show the world what you’ve learned about compassion, teamwork, respect, honesty and responsibility. When we are kind, incredible things happen!

Filed Under: Blog

Showing Our Daughters How Far We’ve Come

Image: Susie DeLellis Petruccelli with friends and fellow soccer fans
Back row from left: Susie DeLellis Petruccelli, Emily Stauffer Keenan, Soccer Sisters author Andrea Montalbano, Harvard goalie and England player Lizzie Durrack; Far right: Stacey Vollman Warwick; plus soccer fans of all ages at the U.S.-England game at the SheBelieves Cup.

With all the obligations pulling us around on a leash in our daily lives, it’s a challenge to make time for plans with old friends, and even more of a challenge to keep those plans.

What makes it easier, however, is when you know that you’re not just making the effort for yourself – that seeing those people is more than just a get-together of old buddies, but an important opportunity for your daughter to spend time with some of the most impressive women around, amazing women you’re honored to call friends, or more precisely, teammates.

I felt that way last Saturday when I brought my daughter and her friend to the U.S. Women’s National Team game at Red Bulls Arena in New York to watch them play against England in the 2017 SheBelieves Cup.

Our large, very excited group was made up of four former Harvard women’s soccer players and two former Stanford women’s soccer players, along with our daughters and their friends (and one husband and son too!). We were on a mission to engage in the game fully and lose our voices cheering for Alex Morgan, Carli Lloyd and the girls out there fighting for our country.

It’s one of the greatest accomplishments of my humble life to be included on the invite list among these women, who are not only impressive athletes and successful adults, but also all-around great people – back-breakingly funny, kind, and earnest to an infinite degree. A good influence on my daughter and her friend, but also, even after all these years, on me.

Watching the game I marveled over how women’s sports, paralleled by women’s rights, have come such a long way in this world. As the up-and-coming English team ran stride-for-stride with the U.S., staying 0-0 and eventually defeating our women – who were proudly number one in the world rankings! – I couldn’t help but remember that the English had banned women’s football (soccer) for 50 years because its popularity was considered a threat to the men’s game.

The icing on the cake was a half-time visit to our group from Lizzie Durrack, the graduating goalie of the current Harvard women’s soccer team, recently called up from England’s under-23s, experiencing her first tournament with England’s full national team. Even the most jaded teenagers were impressed, and as any mom knows, that alone means the whole night was a win.

But for me, the best thing about the night was that the stadium was full. I was even grateful for the traffic because it showed there were so many people like us who cared more about seeing the game than they minded the traffic and frigid weather. And even more importantly, because it meant that thousands of little girls were in that huge stadium with us watching, cheering and loving a women’s soccer match.

Susie DeLellis Petruccelli (Twitter @Sooozie) is currently working on her first book, a memoir entitled “Title IX and Tampons”, a serious yet fun take on her life as a Title IX baby, and the history of women’s sports and rights in the U.S. and beyond.

Filed Under: Blog

How Sports Taught My Son to Solve His Own Problems (and Do His Homework!)

Andrea Montalbano and her son
Andrea Montalbano with her son William during a Coaches Across Continents exercise in Armenia

My fourth-grade son hasn’t missed a homework assignment in 18+ weeks. Talk about a revolution!

That’s 18 weeks and counting without him forgetting a single assignment, log signature, reading, permission slip or long-term project.

Nothing short of a miracle. For some context, in the past, labeling him lackadaisical would have been a compliment.

So what turned him around? Lectures? Bribes? Threats?

Nope. He used something called “self-directed learning” from playing games on a soccer field.

William playing a Coaches Across Continents game
William (center, crouching) playing a Coaches Across Continents game where teammates must move the ball together without using their hands or feet.

As an advocate for girls and women in sports, I am a big believer in sport for education and this summer our family took a service trip to Armenia with Coaches Across Continents, the world’s largest charity that uses sport for education. The CAC curriculum relies on “self-directed learning,” which means kids play games based on soccer drills that create conflict and the players solve their problems in order to win or play.

The games were fun, but the message repeated over and over again was simple and genius: “Solve your problems. Solve. Your. Own. Problems.” Not the parent/coach mantra of, “Here, let me help you. Let me show you. Do it this way.”

The framework for learning was soccer and fun, but the message was unusual. Most of the time, either on or off the field, we tell our kids what and how to do something and think that is the only way to teach or play.

When we, as parents, solve our kids’ problems, we are hampering their ability to solve them on their own.

In my view, that’s exactly when parents and coaches get tuned out like all the adults in a Charlie Brown cartoon. Remember those? Wah Wah Wah. Blah Blah Blah. Words Words Words.

Instead, imagine the fun and challenge of playing games where teams have to move a ball together around a cone with all members of the group touching the ball at the same time but without using their hands or feet. How do you do that? Well, figure it out. Solve your problem.

"Skills for Indonesia" Coaches Across Continents drill
“Skills for Indonesia” Coaches Across Continents drill

It was simple and genius and I am convinced that something about those games on the soccer field clicked for my son. He learned to take care of fourth-grade business. I have been watching his complete turnaround over the last six months. At first, I thought it had to do with just turning ten. Or being in a different classroom.

But this week, I was convinced it was more than that. He has late soccer on Tuesday nights, getting home at 8:45 p.m., still having to eat dinner and shower. Usually he’s too worn out to read after all that, so he does it beforehand. On the way to soccer I asked him if he had completed all his work, and his 30 minutes of required nightly reading.

Surprisingly, he hadn’t.

Every one of those 18 weeks he got a star sticker for doing all his homework – and he really likes those stickers.

I said, “OK. Well, I’m not signing your reading log if you don’t read, so you are just going to have to figure it out.” No signature, no sticker.

From the back seat came his answer: “This was totally my fault and my responsibility.” I think my eyebrows reached my hairline. He got there on his own and acknowledged that it was his problem to solve.

In the bustle of dinner and dishes, I promptly forgot all about it until I went up to his room after washing up. He was in bed, still in his soccer clothes, finishing his reading.

He’d solved his problem.

I felt like the Ponce De Leon of parents. How did this happen? Without me doing anything?

Then it hit me. William learned it all on a soccer field – and it was fun.

I realize that few people have the opportunity to go on a foreign trip with an organization such as CAC, and to learn first-hand the kinds of exercises that focus on “self-directed learning.” But you don’t need a passport and a plane ticket to learn it. So much of it is already ingrained in the culture of sport, in the teambuilding and problem-solving that happens on the pitch at practice every day.

For William, the message reached him in a way that 1,000 wah, wah, wah morning lectures on responsibility never would and never did.

Filed Under: Blog

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